Good ol’ Facebook took me down memory lane today. It brought up a video a friend made of me throughout high school. It’s slightly embarrassing but for some reason, it made me incredibly emotional. I feel this way because I don’t recognize the person in the video.
Let’s be realistic, a lot of people change as they get older and are not who they were in high school now. But, I looked so happy, silly and free. That’s who I used to be. Before my first bout with depression, I may have been a little shy but I feel like I was my genuine self. But after my darkest time in college, even though I made it out (barely), I’ve never been the same since.
Today, as I still battle with anxiety, depression and self love, I wonder to where I went wrong. What happened to make me get so lost? I didn’t have a traumatic event happen to me. Nothing else changed except me and I just don’t understand why. I’m scared that I’ll never be that free again. I’m working hard towards overcoming my current issues and maybe I’ll come out a new, better version of myself. I can’t be sure but one can hope.
All I can say is this I miss you, old Kristan. If I could go back in time I would tell you not to let anything dim your light. The nostalgia I feel in this moment is borderline painful, but I have learned a lot since then that I wish I knew when I was in high school. I sort of feel like Holden Colfield in Catcher in the Rye. That was my favorite book in high school. Maybe it was my favorite for a reason, because looking back now, I feel the way Holden felt about adulthood.
Nevertheless, I won’t dwell too long in this nostalgia. Maybe it can some how inspire me to bring that version myself out from wherever its been hiding. I’ve felt my brief moment of grief over who I used to be. Now, I will use this video as motivation and make it something for me to strive towards.
Besides, I shouldn’t look back. I’m not going that way.
Here’s the link to the video if you need a good laugh. It’s on Facebook so I’m not sure if it will work or not.